you can't always get what you want . . .

. . . but if you try, sometimes,
you just might find you get what you need.



This blog is a tale of anxiety and peace,
laughter and tears, bitterness and song.



Sometimes I don't know how absolutely overcome I am until I am free. Such was the case this past weekend. I had been planning, for a couple of weeks, to leave Oxford this past weekend. Six of us had reserved a car, and a hostel in Canterbury, England. As Saturday, the day of our arrival, approached, I became more and more anxious about whether or not it was a good idea. I've been trying to be a good steward of my money, especially because I'm planning a trip to Ireland with my mom in December. Also, believe it or not, Oxford is a lot of work, the type of work that I can't really handle doing for long periods of time. These reasons, both academic and financial, contributed to my acute anxiety on Saturday morning as I packed. I was also wondering how we were going to make six people in a hatch-back work.
The morning came and went, and before I knew it I was in the back of a European Ford Focus we had named "Chia Pet" with three other people. I had also not slept the night before - my insomnia at its finest. The ride was a few hours and we did take one unexpected-wrong-turn-stop at Leeds Castle. The pictures by the information counter looked beautiful, but that was as far as we got, paying admission was not something welcome on this trip.




We finally arrived in Canterbury, cruised the town a bit and then found our hostel. The British are quite fond of the 'roundabout', which made our new England drivers a bit nervous. We did arrive safely. The hostel was one of the better ones I have seen. It was set in a residential area and the whole place was extraordinarily homey. The six of us has our own room. Nick slept on the floor secretly, don't tell the hostel :/. He was going to sleep in the car, but it was a bit too cold for that.

After settling in, we proceeded to wander about town. A couple of the guys went into Canterbury Abby while the rest of us wandered the streets. We met up a little later and wandered together. We enjoyed some buscars and saw some city landmarks: monuments, parks, an old wall/embattlement type thing, the cathedral around dusk - breathtaking. Despite we wonder at all I was seeing, I was still being held a bit captive my my lack of sleep and the academic worry looming over my head. I was told to smile often and felt like I was under the influence of some sort of sedative. It was like I was slowly, but surely, beginning to see how stressed I had actually been.

A day of sightseeing under our belts, we turned our attention to more pressing matters: dinner. We found a grocery store. It was one of the strangest grocery stores I've ever been to. Half of the group decided to check out a Mexican restaurant we had seen in town (bold move in the UK) while the other half of us, myself included, bought ingredients for makeshift pizza and went back to the hostel. We used nhan (sp?) bread, pasta sauce, and grated our own cheddar cheese and it was one of the best meals ever. We also made some grilled cheese, but didn't have any butter, so that didn't go so well. The others, having to get their Mexican food to-go because the shop was closing, returned 'home' before we had eaten, so we all sat around the table together and had a lovely meal.

At this point I was still quite tired, but feeling less grumpy because of my tummy full of nhan pizza. It was the night of the Rugby World-Cup and England was a contender (well, depending on who you talk to) against South Africa. We wanted to find a pub in which to watch the match, but, after a great deal of wandering from packed-pub to packed-pub and some time spent inside one, we decided that catch the end back at the hostel, but not before, somewhat reluctantly, stopping at a McDonald's for fries, McFlurries and hot apple pies.

Truth be told, I slept through the end of the important sporting event on the couch in the 'living room' of the hostel. My bottom bunk beckoned me, and I obeyed along with the rest of my travelling companions. Sleep may have never been so welcome as it was that night.

The next morning I felt much better. It was as if I had slept off my fatigue as well as the thoughts of essays and proposals that had haunted my the day before. We gathered our things, made ourselves presentable and packed up the Chia Pet. We drove through the city to the Cathedral to attend mass. It was amazing to think that such a grandiose and beautiful building had served a working Church body for a millennium. We entered and found our seats. The archbishop wasn't there, unfortunately, but it was a lovely service. I was surprised at how friendly and warm it was. I expected to find a place filled with tourists and pilgrims; strangers, but what I found was a real community of believers. It was a pleasant surprise. There were announcements and corny jokes, I felt right at home. There was even a visiting choir comprised of students from Cambridge University. Were I a real Oxford student, I may have felt some feeling of rivalry, but I was very glad to hear them - it was beautiful. We took communion with our Anglican brothers and sisters, sang with them and reflected on the words of St. Luke with them. When we were leaving, the man who had delivered the sermon was even at the door shaking hands!

There was a bit of confusion after the service, as most of us were separated while exploring the massive structure. The plan had been to get 'cream tea' at a little coffeehouse almost across the street from the cathedral, so most of us went there to await the others. Cream tea is comprised of tea, obviously, a scone, a thick cream like substance, to be eaten on the scone along with jam. It was a very British and delicious treat and very welcome, as I was quite hungry.

After tea, we boarded Chia Pet and bid our dear Canterbury farewell as we had other sites to see before the trip was through. Our next destination was Dover. It wasn't far, fortunately for those of us in the back seat. we reached the beach first. It was nice to sea the ocean (which was actually the channel). We think we could actually see France on the horizon, which was neat. We sat on the stony beach, took some silly pictures and then returned to the car to find a British meter-maid writing us a ticket. We had parked directly underneath a sign reminding us to pay the meter in a nearby parking lot and display the ticket. None of us had noticed this. Chalking it up to 'c'est la vie', be continued. A couple in the group were rather excited about seeing Dover Castle and so were disappointed when we were informed that the castle was the sort of thing that it would take a whole day to see, and was only open for less than two hours more.

We were able to see the castle from the road and it was unbelievable. We drove to a park where we could view the "white cliffs of Dover". We did have to pay some to get in, but it was worth it. We parked, had a nice little lunch of bread and left-over pizza cheese and then walked to the highest point to view the caste and take some fun silhouette pictures against the sun.

Then, it was time to see about these white cliffs. We chose a direction and started walking, still quite fond of looking out into the sea. We found them at last - chalk white cliffs, worthy of their name. We also saw, far below, that there was a beach at the bottom, where the cliffs met the water. We wanted to be on the beach, so we started the, at time treacherous, journey down. Down, down down we went. One of the final legs left us on a platform where we could descend a latter onto the beach, or enter a tunnel that had been carved out of the cliff. We explored the tunnel first. It looked like something that had been created for WWII. There were a couple of little rooms along the tunnel, which ran parallel to the outside. Each room had partially remaining steel-sliding shutters that were terribly rusted, but made for interesting pictures.

We finally exhausted our exploration and climbed down the latter onto the beach. It was much like the beach we had been to, except at the base of white cliffs in the light of the lowering sun. We couldn't stay long, lest the park close and we be stranded. We found a way back that was different than the way we had taken down and only slightly misdirected. Chia Pet never looked so good as we approached her in the orange light. We left Dover, somewhat annoyed at the parking ticket and the castle, but truly satisfied with our trip.

We decided to get some miles behind us before stopping for dinner, which was a good choice because where we did decide to stop treated us well. It was a rest stop, complete with various fast food. We chose Pizza Hut, lured by their family deal. Four personal pizza and four drinks/fries for twelve pounds! Now, after the conversion, this wasn't actually a great deal, but in England, it was a steal. We also discovered a free-refills soft serve option that we also took advantage of. Nick and I finished two bowls of soft serve before our pizzas were ready, the first with raisinettes and fake M&Ms and the second with bubblegum topping, an interesting choice. We soon approached our table victorious and laden with spoil. Our friends were in awe of our ice cream and then we decided that each of us would take a turn filling the little cardboard ice cream dish and then dumping it on whatever make-shift dish we could find, most using the tops of burger-boxes. In this way, all of us had ice cream to complete what could have been the best rest-stop meal in history.

Back in the car, we were eager to reach Oxford, home. Matt, the current driver had a rather comical meltdown after we mistakenly headed towards Uxbridge instead of Oxford, but it was fitting for the group already prone to laughter. We were all free-feeling and relaxed for having been out of the sometimes-domineering grasp of Oxford University for an entire two days.

We finally reached home and were glad to see it. Every time I was asked 'how was it?', I wasn't quite sure my answer did the trip justice, as it was more than just a sightseeing trip, it was a freedom trip.

This freedom was something I never missed so much as today, Monday. Why must Monday's be so often awful? In any case, I had a proposal due this morning at 10, which I hadn't really begun to write until this morning at about 9:30. Last night I could not muster to focus or the ability to face it all again and so I decided to work on it in the morning. Needless to say, I wrote an e-mail to my seminar leader by 10am, but attached to it was not a proposal, but an apology that I knew would be well-accepted. I went to my tutorial at 11:30, already flustered and feeling inadequate, and then, most likely as a result of these already growing feelings, felt unprepared for the tutorial, though I actually was. I'm pretty sure at this point, I was just looking for reasons to be upset. After the tutorial, I was talking to a group of SCIO students about the proposal, a conversation that almost put me over the edge. At this point I could have burst into tears on command, but was restraining myself for the sake of those present. I rode my creaky bike back to the Vines, after discovering I had forgotten my wallet and so lacked the necessary identification to get anything accomplished in the libraries. I almost cried during this trip, but once again restrained myself. Friends at home tried to comfort me, but I did not want to be comforted, I wanted to pout and whine and so I did. All of this misery culminated in my crawling into bed, not to be seen for several hours. It was a greatly needed nap. I woke up in time to eat chili with my food group.

The chili and the good, non-whining conversation gave me just the focus I needed to attack that proposal. I finished it after dinner, and e-mailed it promptly, only about twelve hours late. After I finished, Johanna and I found the newest the Office episode on youtube and watched it right before heading downstairs for our all-girl worship service. As we lifted our voices and I listened to Johanna's beautiful voice leading us, my heart cried out for freedom and received it. I thanked God for the grace I can count on, even when I let this world get to me.

So, that is my story of how I was given a gift of freedom, surrendered it temporarily and now will fight to keep it at all costs.